One Step At A Time

Ok.  I haven't written in a while.  I think it's because I wasn't feeling particularly strong and didn't want to use this forum as a place to complain.  When I mentioned that to my lovely sister, who is here visiting, she reminded me that having a positive attitude doesn't mean that you feel that way every day.  It just means that you keep trying to shift your focus back to the good and keep battling against your tendency to slip into negative patterns of thinking.  Thankfully, I am feeling stronger now than I have in a while, both physically and mentally.  For some reason when I crossed over into being less than one month from the last treatment (which is 10/26), I started to feel more hopeful.  I feel like in recent days, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and while I know hard days still lie ahead, I have faith that I can make it and begin to put this all behind me.  Here is the update since the last post.
When I went for my 9/14 treatment, my white cells were too high.  The MD was concerned that I could have an infection in my breast or lungs and ordered a CT scan and x-ray.  This ended up taking all afternoon and then we had to wait for the results.  When you have been diagnosed with cancer, you have spent many days waiting for various results, having had numerous tests/surgeries/procedures/IVs/needle pricks and by now I was just really sick of it.  We were tired and scared that treatment was going to be delayed.  Thankfully, the results of the scans were fine and my MD allowed me to have chemo the next day.  The symptoms start a few days after the chemo and last about 4-6 days-extreme fatigue, bad taste in my mouth, nausea, fogginess in my brain making it very difficult to concentrate, and digestion problems.  I've also continued to struggle with back pain during my expansion process.  And to top it all off, I started to get an allergic reaction that caused red, itchy bumps all over my head over the past week.  During this time too, my father was stricken with an autoimmune response that causes severe muscle pain.  It took his MD 6 weeks to figure out what was going on and provide proper medication/care and we were far away and unable to help.  Meanwhile, my father could barely work and lost 14 pounds.  He is doing much better now, thankfully, and is here visiting. 
I think the hardest part is the struggle I have had to stay engaged with Johnny during my treatment.  There are times when I am just trying to get through the day and it is so hard to have energy to attend to him and help him to know that his mommy is here and loves him.  I just keep trying to remember that I'm doing this for him.  Thank God for my husband and my mother who are taking care of me and John every step of the way.  We are now 1 week out from the 3rd treatment and thus almost 3/4 of the way there.
The other day I was out on my walk.  I try to stay as active as I can on the days I feel up to it.  I was feeling tired on the way back home and I told myself, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll make it".  That's a bit how it feels right now on this journey.  I know good times are ahead.  I can't wait for my last surgery.  But it's about just keeping going right now.  Isn't that how life is sometimes?  There are seasons when we are just trying to keep going.  And I think these seasons prepare us for something we may be called to do in the future that will require more strength than we had before.  One of my favorite authors, Cheryl Richardson, put it this way..."life's disappointments may in fact be preparation for something even more significant in our lives.  And, this belief has the best chance of coming true when you make a demonstrated commitment to learn and grow from your present day circumstances". 
I am not fully aware of all that I am meant to learn through this process, but I do believe that it's bigger than me and my plans for myself.  It has to do with God's plan for me.  Judges 6:23 reminds me that the purpose of this journey is not to kill me but to bring me to the full measure of abundant life He promised me.  Beth Moore said "You think he has wounded you to hurt you but He has wounded you in order to heal you".  I believe there is something more than physical healing coming in my future, healing from ways that I have been held captive in my life.  I'll keep you posted as it unfolds.  For now, I will keep taking one step at a time...
Next treatment is 10/5. 

Does this wig make me look like Carol Channing? -Vivien from Pretty Woman

OK.  This chemo/breast reconstruction thing is no joke.  We are into week three now and let's just say week two was no picnic.  First, I attended the wedding of Matt and Monica (my cousin and new cousin-in-law).  They were the cutest little couple I ever did see and their wedding was BEAUTIFUL!  BUT, I felt like crap.  My counts got low and right in the middle of the reception I started shivering and feeling like I had a bad flu.  After the wedding we stopped to take my temp which was 102.5 (on chemo anything over 101 can land you in the ER).  After a call to the oncologist, I found myself at an all night pharmacy getting an antibiotic and spent the night in our hotel room alternating between shivering and burning up. 

Then right around the same time one of my pectoral muscles (or something???) got injured causing me to be in so much pain that even with muscle relaxers, vicodin, and high doses of ibuprofen I was unable to get out of bed unassisted for about 4 days.  For those followers who don't know, I haven't yet had my final reconstruction surgery where they put my implants in.  For the time being, I have expanders, which are these fantastic little devices that go under your skin and muscles and the plastic surgeon fills them up with saline (with a HUGE needle) every so often to stretch things for the implants.  Needless to say, I'd almost rather give birth than have another "fill up". 

Then, on Tuesday, the hair went.  I think God gave me the other things to distract me or to help me put things in perspective because, honestly, I didn't even care.  It's not really as traumatic as you would think.  It just starts coming out when you touch your head or wash your hair.  So, we shaved it off.  And to be honest, it's actually quite freeing.  Wigs suck as you can imagine, but I do think there is a time for them.  For the most part though, I think I prefer to just be bald.  I feel kind of cool this way, like I'm kind of brave or something.  The best part was Johnny's reaction.  He just looked at me, laughed, and said "hair fell out".  Then he just went about his business.  I love how children his age don't have a concept of what "beauty" is or what our culture demands of us gals to be "presentable".  He just looks at me and sees his mommy.  

With those hurdles behind me, I'm just trying to keep looking forward and have faith that things will get better from here.  Sometimes, I ask myself or God, what kind of a woman will I be when this is all over?  I'm starting to see her emerge and I hope she is someone with a bit more serenity.  Someone who is more aware of how little control we actually have over the things that happen in our lives and families, so she is able to roll with things better and helps others to do the same.  I also hope to see someone with a little bit more humility.  I guess I'll see as this journey continues, but it helps me cope to envision a healthy and whole woman whose scars remind her of the wounds that made her who she is...
Next chemo treatment is next Tues, 9/14.

...see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses: proud flesh,
As all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest---
                        Jane Hirshfield, For What Binds Us
       

NO WAY!!!!

Well one week down and 8 to go.  Chemo hasn't been that bad so far...  It's hard to believe when you are sitting in that chair, IV in your arm draining this very non-threatening clear liquid into your veins, that it is poison.  I guess it's hard to believe because you feel fine and everyone is so nice and caring.  I felt fine for a few days afterward too and then there were a few rough days (achey, tired, nauseated).  Now, things seem to be back to normal for the most part, aside from feeling nauseated at certain tastes/smells (kind of like pregnancy).  And the hair is hanging in there for now.  Little John turned 22 months a few days ago and on that day he started saying "no way mommy" and running the other way when he doesn't want to do something.  I can relate.  That's how I feel about cancer and chemo sometimes, but I know it's here to teach me something and that there's no running away.  At those times, I try to remember that I can make it and I just keep trying to focus on why I'm doing this.  It's not always easy, but shifting my focus to gratitude when the "why me" thoughts come up is the most helpful thing.  Here is my gratitude list for today...
I am thankful for...
1.  All the kind and caring words and gestures that have come my way over the past week from friends/family.  It matters more than you know.
2.  Having hair today.
3.  My beautiful son and how he makes me laugh every day.
4.  The beautiful words my husband wrote me on my birthday that matter more than any material thing.
5.  The love and support and physical presence of my parents during this time. 
6.  The opportunity to laugh and have fun even during tough times.
7.  This actual moment right now, that is my life, and the perspective cancer brings to seize it and truly live it.

Next chemo treatment is 9/14 and then I will be halfway done.  That's all for now...