One Step At A Time

Ok.  I haven't written in a while.  I think it's because I wasn't feeling particularly strong and didn't want to use this forum as a place to complain.  When I mentioned that to my lovely sister, who is here visiting, she reminded me that having a positive attitude doesn't mean that you feel that way every day.  It just means that you keep trying to shift your focus back to the good and keep battling against your tendency to slip into negative patterns of thinking.  Thankfully, I am feeling stronger now than I have in a while, both physically and mentally.  For some reason when I crossed over into being less than one month from the last treatment (which is 10/26), I started to feel more hopeful.  I feel like in recent days, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and while I know hard days still lie ahead, I have faith that I can make it and begin to put this all behind me.  Here is the update since the last post.
When I went for my 9/14 treatment, my white cells were too high.  The MD was concerned that I could have an infection in my breast or lungs and ordered a CT scan and x-ray.  This ended up taking all afternoon and then we had to wait for the results.  When you have been diagnosed with cancer, you have spent many days waiting for various results, having had numerous tests/surgeries/procedures/IVs/needle pricks and by now I was just really sick of it.  We were tired and scared that treatment was going to be delayed.  Thankfully, the results of the scans were fine and my MD allowed me to have chemo the next day.  The symptoms start a few days after the chemo and last about 4-6 days-extreme fatigue, bad taste in my mouth, nausea, fogginess in my brain making it very difficult to concentrate, and digestion problems.  I've also continued to struggle with back pain during my expansion process.  And to top it all off, I started to get an allergic reaction that caused red, itchy bumps all over my head over the past week.  During this time too, my father was stricken with an autoimmune response that causes severe muscle pain.  It took his MD 6 weeks to figure out what was going on and provide proper medication/care and we were far away and unable to help.  Meanwhile, my father could barely work and lost 14 pounds.  He is doing much better now, thankfully, and is here visiting. 
I think the hardest part is the struggle I have had to stay engaged with Johnny during my treatment.  There are times when I am just trying to get through the day and it is so hard to have energy to attend to him and help him to know that his mommy is here and loves him.  I just keep trying to remember that I'm doing this for him.  Thank God for my husband and my mother who are taking care of me and John every step of the way.  We are now 1 week out from the 3rd treatment and thus almost 3/4 of the way there.
The other day I was out on my walk.  I try to stay as active as I can on the days I feel up to it.  I was feeling tired on the way back home and I told myself, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll make it".  That's a bit how it feels right now on this journey.  I know good times are ahead.  I can't wait for my last surgery.  But it's about just keeping going right now.  Isn't that how life is sometimes?  There are seasons when we are just trying to keep going.  And I think these seasons prepare us for something we may be called to do in the future that will require more strength than we had before.  One of my favorite authors, Cheryl Richardson, put it this way..."life's disappointments may in fact be preparation for something even more significant in our lives.  And, this belief has the best chance of coming true when you make a demonstrated commitment to learn and grow from your present day circumstances". 
I am not fully aware of all that I am meant to learn through this process, but I do believe that it's bigger than me and my plans for myself.  It has to do with God's plan for me.  Judges 6:23 reminds me that the purpose of this journey is not to kill me but to bring me to the full measure of abundant life He promised me.  Beth Moore said "You think he has wounded you to hurt you but He has wounded you in order to heal you".  I believe there is something more than physical healing coming in my future, healing from ways that I have been held captive in my life.  I'll keep you posted as it unfolds.  For now, I will keep taking one step at a time...
Next treatment is 10/5.