Does this wig make me look like Carol Channing? -Vivien from Pretty Woman

OK.  This chemo/breast reconstruction thing is no joke.  We are into week three now and let's just say week two was no picnic.  First, I attended the wedding of Matt and Monica (my cousin and new cousin-in-law).  They were the cutest little couple I ever did see and their wedding was BEAUTIFUL!  BUT, I felt like crap.  My counts got low and right in the middle of the reception I started shivering and feeling like I had a bad flu.  After the wedding we stopped to take my temp which was 102.5 (on chemo anything over 101 can land you in the ER).  After a call to the oncologist, I found myself at an all night pharmacy getting an antibiotic and spent the night in our hotel room alternating between shivering and burning up. 

Then right around the same time one of my pectoral muscles (or something???) got injured causing me to be in so much pain that even with muscle relaxers, vicodin, and high doses of ibuprofen I was unable to get out of bed unassisted for about 4 days.  For those followers who don't know, I haven't yet had my final reconstruction surgery where they put my implants in.  For the time being, I have expanders, which are these fantastic little devices that go under your skin and muscles and the plastic surgeon fills them up with saline (with a HUGE needle) every so often to stretch things for the implants.  Needless to say, I'd almost rather give birth than have another "fill up". 

Then, on Tuesday, the hair went.  I think God gave me the other things to distract me or to help me put things in perspective because, honestly, I didn't even care.  It's not really as traumatic as you would think.  It just starts coming out when you touch your head or wash your hair.  So, we shaved it off.  And to be honest, it's actually quite freeing.  Wigs suck as you can imagine, but I do think there is a time for them.  For the most part though, I think I prefer to just be bald.  I feel kind of cool this way, like I'm kind of brave or something.  The best part was Johnny's reaction.  He just looked at me, laughed, and said "hair fell out".  Then he just went about his business.  I love how children his age don't have a concept of what "beauty" is or what our culture demands of us gals to be "presentable".  He just looks at me and sees his mommy.  

With those hurdles behind me, I'm just trying to keep looking forward and have faith that things will get better from here.  Sometimes, I ask myself or God, what kind of a woman will I be when this is all over?  I'm starting to see her emerge and I hope she is someone with a bit more serenity.  Someone who is more aware of how little control we actually have over the things that happen in our lives and families, so she is able to roll with things better and helps others to do the same.  I also hope to see someone with a little bit more humility.  I guess I'll see as this journey continues, but it helps me cope to envision a healthy and whole woman whose scars remind her of the wounds that made her who she is...
Next chemo treatment is next Tues, 9/14.

...see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple untested surface before.
There's a name for it on horses: proud flesh,
As all flesh
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest---
                        Jane Hirshfield, For What Binds Us